relapse 1) this morning i heard ellie goulding’s “how long will i love you”. i hated it. in another universe, i could have been so psyched and would have probably turned the volume up. but in this one, i wasn’t even able to take the first line. i had to switch. that heavy feeling in my chest demanded to be felt. john green called it pain.
relapse 2) this morning, red played. it was there in front of sm sta mesa area, i truly appreciated red. taylor’s words hit so right like chris brown. i knew exactly what taylor meant when she wrote:
Remembering him comes in flashbacks and echoes
Tell myself it’s time now, gotta let go
But moving on from him is impossible
When I still see it all in my head
in another universe, i would have headbanged. but not in this one.
relapse 3) this morning, bernard asked what happened to my eyes. i told him i had allergies. he called it bull. i insisted on allergies + colds. silence. then as i started to tell him the truth and the story. i stopped. i wasn’t able to. i cracked. it would have added insults to the injuries that were my puffy eyes. he patted me on the back. he knew. in another universe, this morning could have been the same hectic monday routine day. but not today.
relapse 4) it was 7pm. i wasn’t excited to go home at all. in another universe, i would have been giddy and laddy to go home around 6:30. not on this one. i wanted to stay there.
relapse 4.a) a message read: “hope you’ll be fine”
relapse 5) after dropping off the girls and mikey in philcoa, i felt that helpless feeling of being lost. in another universe, i could have gone straight on univ avenue….. but in this one, nope, i had to turn right. there was no other way. unlike in the alternate universe, someone was waiting for me just a left and a right turn away. but not (anymore) in this one.
in this one, my gas tank was the one one waiting… blinking.
relapse 6) grace and jay slipped into my room. and grace’s question stung. what was i supposed to say? he’s looking for himself and i can’t be there that’s why he is not here.
yeah. didn’t think so too.
hey, i'm 25+ 